You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Pigtail Zen.

2012-01-19T10:43:00.003-05:00

New post on my Buddhist blog:A meditation on doing my daughter's hair.

Life Is Dookie.

2012-01-09T16:36:00.004-05:00

I've got a new post up on my Buddha Mama Sans Drama blog. Feel free to stop by and read it. I fixate on the meaning and definition of the opening words of the Dhammapada: "Life is dukkha."Click here to read "Life Is Dookie."

Speak, Fear.

2011-12-28T15:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that learning to voice our greatest fears is the very path to letting them go. We think we have some unimaginable burden that we could never share with another person. But then you stay up late talking to a friend or lover, and maybe you find a moment of safety and bravery — so you speak your truth. Sometimes we are blessed to be heard and to receive the absolution of friendship

Building a Fort.

2011-12-22T13:37:00.008-05:00

My friend built a fort for my daughter out of the living room chair and a blanket. Because he has carpentry skills, he used a broken-down cardboard box to support the roof. She loved the little fortress so much, she didn't want to come out. "HOUSE!!!" she wailed as I tried to extricate her.When I got home, I built her an identical fort out of a cardboard box, a living room chair and a big blanket

I Meditated So Hard My Brain Exploded.

2011-12-20T12:14:00.005-05:00

Not really. But I did meditate for 45 minutes straight which is kind of noteworthy for me.Read all about it at my Buddhism blog: Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

Buddhism Post: On Becoming a Member.

2011-12-16T12:58:00.004-05:00

I posted on my buddhism blog, Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

Getting Laid at the Ho Ho Ho.

2011-12-08T11:44:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago my son got busted for using the F-bomb at school. He and a friend were saying it to each other at lunch to be big comedians. Ha ha ha. So hilarious.His dad called to tell me the bad news. He also told me that he had already dealt with it and meted out the punishment, so all I needed to do was to listen to my son's confession when his dad handed him the phone."He's going to

Leaning Into It

2011-11-11T14:10:00.006-05:00

Somebody's trying to tell me that when things get hard,I've got to lean into it.Read all about it on my Buddhist blog, Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

For the Sperm About Town

2011-11-10T14:09:00.005-05:00

Sometimes the Universe just gifts me these stories:Read all about sperm delivery at Sprocket Ink.

Vive Le Nerd: Foreign Language Film Edition

2011-11-09T12:13:00.012-05:00

Over on my blog friend Joshua's site, Vive Le Nerd, he's got a foreign film conversation started. This is why I love his blog. I can go there and nerd it up to my heart's content. He posted his top five foreign films list and I gave him my top ten. Does that make me a gigantic nerd that I even have a top ten foreign films list? Or am I just a nerd one-upper and I had to take his top five and

Dexter: I Just Can't Quit You.

2011-11-07T13:48:00.003-05:00

I'm back to being hooked on Dexter.Last night's episode cinched the deal.

McMeditation: Junk Food For Your Brain

2011-11-03T14:47:00.005-04:00

Do you have 15 minutes? You just might change your brain.Read more about it at Sprocket Ink.

Taking My Elevator Phobia to New Heights

2011-10-31T13:37:00.003-04:00

Stars at the Janie Jones premiere plummet eight floors in runaway elevator.Read more at Sprocket Ink.

Luck Be a Lady, But Not Your Mama

2011-10-26T14:35:00.005-04:00

My husband is out of town for work, so I set my alarm clock early so I could have time to shower before my one-year-old daughter woke up. My alarm went off at 6:30 and I did something to it to make it stop making that horrible noise. The next thing I knew, I heard a little voice across the hall calling: "Ahma? Ahma?"I fumbled for my phone to register just how long I'd overslept and read 7:55.

Villagers Take Up Pitchforks Against Frightening Emoticons.

2011-10-24T13:11:00.004-04:00

The emoticon army is taking over the world. Run for your lives!

Detroit Booty Lounge: Strip Club on the Go

2011-10-17T13:14:00.004-04:00

As if I could make this up.

Meditation Practice ... Takes Practice.

2011-10-17T11:27:00.006-04:00

Read about it on my Buddhist blog:Buddha Mama Sans Drama: Sitting.

Ballroom Dance Lessons

2011-10-14T11:35:00.001-04:00

My husband I were supposed to start ballroom dancing classes three weeks ago. But the building was out of power. Clearly, The Universe didn't want us to dance, but oh no, we didn't listen. Screw you, Universe, the rhythm in our hearts cannot be contained by a power station.The next week, the building was dark once again. I was beginning to think the forces of nature were so horrified at the

The Better Marriage Blanket

2011-10-13T14:09:00.005-04:00

Sometimes love requires a carbon filter.

This One Was Hard to Write

2011-10-12T09:33:00.002-04:00

Is it a flower or a weed? Part 2.

Is It a Flower or a Weed? Yes, This Is a Metaphor.

2011-10-11T12:09:00.003-04:00

Read the post on my Buddhist blog or as I like to call it, my B-Side.Ha ha. I just made a joke.

I Am Every Buddhist

2011-10-10T11:18:00.005-04:00

What do you do when someone asks you to speak publicly about your religious beliefs?I think you say "Yes."Even if you dread it.*Laugh*

8 Signs That You Are Totally Boring

2011-10-06T14:04:00.005-04:00

Even Bored Jesus is bored by your story about that one time, in band camp.Learn how to spot the signs that you are a total bore. Read it now at Sprocket Ink.

Dexter Season 6 Premiere Review

2011-10-03T12:57:00.004-04:00

The sixth season of Dexter premiered last night on Showtime.I've watched the show religiously and apparently, the show's about to get religious too. Read my review here.

This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff

2011-10-03T09:17:00.004-04:00

Today I'm reviewing one of my favorite haircare products.Read all about it at This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff.

Don't Mademoiselle Me.

2011-09-29T14:41:00.004-04:00

French women say "Non, merci" to having to identify as "Mademoiselle" or "Madame."Read more at Sprocket Ink. Leave a comment. En français, s'il vous plaît.

Amah's Girl

2011-09-27T15:22:00.012-04:00

I just bought this Halloween costume for my one-year-old daughter. I swore I wouldn't go all girl crazy with her. I was going to try and keep it a princess and Barbie-free zone in our home. It still is. But last year she was an Ewok and this year I'm strapping lady bug wings to her back. So there you go. And oh hell yes I bought the lady bug wand. So sue me. She may also happen to own a pair of

The Science of Bad Kissing

2011-09-26T13:29:00.006-04:00

Scientists are studying what we already know. Again.Read all about it at Sprocket Ink.

Forty Lawyers Walk Into My House

2011-09-23T15:38:00.015-04:00

It sounds like the start of a joke, right?For some reason my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to have 40 people over for dinner tomorrow night. Hahahahaha. Aren't we funny? Did I mention that they're lawyers? Remind me not to argue with anyone.Slowly, we began to wonder what 40 people in a 1,450-sq.-ft. house might look like. And really, the downstairs is less than that, right? I

Is Google Making an Ass of Rick Santorum?

2011-09-22T14:25:00.004-04:00

Read all about it at Sprocket Ink.

Shoestring Enlightenment

2011-09-19T20:52:00.005-04:00

Read more about it at Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

Sperm Bank to Gingers: No, Thanks.

2011-09-19T14:03:00.004-04:00

Read the red-hair-raising truth at Sprocket Ink.

Rear View Mirror Conversation

2011-09-16T11:19:00.007-04:00

I love driving my seven-year-old son to school. We always have conversations in the rear view mirror.This was this morning's conversation:"If I want to have a girl, I have to be nice to her," he said.I laughed."Where did you hear that?" I said."You." I laughed some more. I felt like a good mom."I wish I could find a genie and get five wishes," he said."Why five?""Because I don't want three."I

Scientists Discover Laughing Is Good For You. Blogger Discovers Making Fun of Scientists Is Fun.

2011-09-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

More ground-breaking studies from evolutionary science. I swear, these guys are giving those creationists way too much material.Read all about it at Sprocket Ink.

Conflict and Intimacy? Yuck!

2011-09-13T12:18:00.005-04:00

As a lifelong member of the Conflict Avoiders Platinum Status Club, it's taken me a few years of therapy on my own and therapy as a couple to really embrace conflict. To give it a big old bear hug and tell it I love it. The same goes for regularly attending a Buddhist temple. They relate, I swear.Read more about it here, at Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

Scientists Baffled by Female Orgasm.

2011-09-12T13:07:00.004-04:00

Women baffled by scientists.Read more here at Sprocket Ink.

Top Ten Rachel Zoe Moments

2011-09-08T13:59:00.006-04:00

Last night my baby daughter walked up to the television and said "Hi!" to Rachel Zoe.I was so proud.I want you all to know that baby girl regularly "shuts it down," fashion-wise.Baby girl also inspired me to write a review of the Season 4 Premier of The Rachel Zoe Project on Sprocket Ink:Click here to read it.

Friday Nonsense

2011-09-02T09:54:00.010-04:00

Since I have writer's block about my own life, but I'm apparently overflowing with creativity when it comes to popular culture and sex, I'm just going to claw my way through a blog and let it just be terrible, without a clear beginning, middle and end, and possibly a run-on sentence or two. Things That Happened This Week: 1. Someone posted a passive aggressive note about dirty dishes at work and

Sex and Psychoanalysts

2011-09-01T14:09:00.005-04:00

Hello, Doctor. Sex, Freud, Jung. It's almost too much for my Id to handle. Read all about it at Sprocket Ink: Keira Knightley Goes Full Freudian in New Movie.

Vibrator Does Double Duty as Memory Stick

2011-08-29T14:16:00.004-04:00

See my post today at Sprocket Ink. Click here.

Moosejaw: American Apparel Wannabe?

2011-08-26T18:19:00.009-04:00

For some inexplicable reason, my local outdoorsy retailer, Moosejaw, has decided to become the American Apparel of Michigan. Or maybe it wants to be the Detroit version of Abercrombie & Fitch? Why should Columbus and L.A. hog all the sexy? Don't even get me started on cutesy, self-aware copy. In case you can't read it: "Not a chance that anyone is looking at this text instead of the pretty, so

Mary Karr on Forgiveness

2011-08-26T14:43:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading Lit by Mary Karr. To say that the book has moved me is an understatement. To say that I have laughed, cried, gasped and raged my way through the pages is truth. For the second time in my life I have considered writing an author to thank her. This is how much the book has meant to me. In it, Karr writes about not only her mother's alcoholism, but also her own. She writes

Posh in Flats? It's the Apocalypse.

2011-08-25T14:16:00.009-04:00

Today I'm writing about the latest in shoe news because someone has got to keep you updated on the most important current events, and it's not the New York Times or CNN, I'll tell you. Learn more about the tragic injury that has landed the fragile bird that is Victoria Beckham in a pair of (wait for it) flats. Also discover the shocking and ugly lawsuit between Yves Saint Laurent and Christian

I'm Writing About Intestinal Distress

2011-08-23T09:33:00.008-04:00

On the road from Delhi to Agra. You can't tell from this picture, but something is amiss in my digestive tract. Today I'm writing for Studio 30 Plus. If you're not familiar with Studio 30 Plus, you should check it out. It's a community for bloggers over 30. Of course I'm only 29, but they made a special exception in my case. Please read today's post here: Studio 30 Plus Magazine.

I'm Writing About Vibrators

2011-08-22T13:20:00.000-04:00

I'm writing today at Sprocket Ink. It's my Sprocket debut so I figured it would be appropriate to make a big entrance with a buzzing electric sex toy. I like to make a good first impression. Come say hello, lovers. I also mention Maggie Gyllenhaal if that does anything for you. Read my post here: Maggie Gyllenhaal Stars in Vibrator Movie.

How to Suck at Meditating

2011-08-15T11:51:00.004-04:00

Read my post today on Buddha Mama Sans Drama: Buddhists Anonymous.

The Upside of Humiliation

2011-08-12T13:58:00.001-04:00

I confessed to my husband that I have a problem in my "nether regions." I use that expression to reference a body part unmentionable. The good of the phrase is that it is vague and imprecise. It affords me the slight chance that the listener's mind might be diverted from the precise target of my humiliation. Besides, I'm not willing to discuss precise nether regions in a forum where my

Video Blog: Why I Will Never Be a Sausage Spokesperson

2011-08-08T11:32:00.000-04:00

The lovely Kristine of the hilarious Wait in the Van blog, agreed (re: forced me) to make an informative video promoting Hillshire Farm® sausages. While I suspect Hillshire Farm will not be sponsoring either of our blogs anytime soon, Kristine and I are awaiting the calls from cable television for our own show. Obviously.

When You Can't Fix It, Make Someone Else Happy

2011-08-02T16:41:00.008-04:00

Many years ago when I was in an unhappy marriage, I got some advice from my therapist that didn't work. It's not so much the marriage that was unhappy, but the two people in it. The root cause of our unhappiness was not each other. Unbeknownst to me, he was descending into schizophrenia. Me, I was trying to crawl out of life-long, low-grade depression. I came to a point of frustration.

Toddlers and Materialism

2011-07-30T12:08:00.003-04:00

A post for my Buddha Mama Sans Drama blog: Big Boat, Little Boat.

BlogHer Block

2011-07-29T15:35:00.002-04:00

In a dazzling twist of fate, the fact that I'm going to my first blogging conference next week has caused me to have a monumental case of writer's block.I'm excited to attend BlogHer '11 in San Diego. I'm looking forward to meeting many of the bloggers I read and new bloggers I've come to know in the past few weeks leading up to the event.But now I don't have a damn thing to say about any of

Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Tomboys

2011-07-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

Do not eff with the Franklin Mavericks.I read a blog post the other day about how a mother lamented the fact that her daughter insisted on wearing boy clothes. She had gone so far as to attempt bribing her daughter to wear a dress for five dollars. That made me laugh.The daughter said hell no.The one and only time my mother insisted I wear a dress was for my aunt's wedding. I cried. As I recall,

Get Out of My Dreams. Get Into My Closet.

2011-07-18T13:55:00.008-04:00

Hola Lover.You have been waiting for me, no?

Love Hurts

2011-07-14T11:20:00.002-04:00

The mandolin, she is a cruel mistress.

You Are So Beautiful. To Me.

2011-07-13T15:08:00.000-04:00

I have recently become obsessed with the mandolin. Some of you may know this if you follow my tweets and status updates. Some of you may already be alarmed.It's true, some folks take obsession lightly, but as with most things in my life, I take it to Defcon level. It has to be addressed immediately. My mind fixates on it and not only do I have to have it/do it/be it/buy it/see it, I have to be

The Camera That Loved Too Much

2011-07-07T17:00:00.012-04:00

I was in a photo shoot today.There were bright lights and a camera in my face. The flash kept flashing and the room full of people shouted, "The camera loves you!"The director called out: "Strike your favorite dance pose" or "Pretend you're a mime trapped in a box" and "Flex your muscles!"I won't lie. I loved it. I ate it up. I let go and went with the adrenaline rush. Everybody loved me in the

He's Never Leaving Home

2011-07-06T09:42:00.008-04:00

This morning I had a conversation with my seven-year-old son."Mom, how long is college?""Four years," I replied."FOUR YEARS!" he said, eyes popping out."Yes, but you can come home on holidays.""Valentine's Day?""Oh, well, no. I mean big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.""I can't come home for Valentine's Day?" his eyes got bigger and more worried."Well sure you can come home for

Princess Hashimoto

2011-07-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

This week, I discovered that I'm a Hashimoto Girl.No, it does not mean I hang out on some creatively fashionable corner of Tokyo nor am I candidate for Gwen Stefani's dance troupe. That's harajuku, fools. Though that dance troupe thing is actually quite a pity, as I've just started practicing my moves on my son's Xbox Dance Central.But my sweet dance moves are neither here nor there. The point is

Hammer Time!

2011-06-24T10:38:00.013-04:00

I swear to the shoe gods I tried to wear ballet flats. I've been wearing them for a few weeks now. But a shoe addict can only go for so long without a fix. I swear it'll just be this once. Or maybe just a Friday treat? Once a week, I swear it.Oh dear. I sound like I have a problem.The good news is that my seven-year-old son did not make any comments or cast any disapproving looks at my shoes this

What Baby Thinks of Overprotection

2011-06-22T12:08:00.000-04:00

This is where we prefer her to be.This is where she prefers to be.Yes we've considered caging her.But she just laughs at us.

When Baby Is Quiet

2011-06-20T16:38:00.008-04:00

The Dancing Baby sees a world of opportunity.When the house falls suddenly still and you can almost hear the clock ticking in the other room (if there were a clock ticking in the other room), that's when you know.When you suddenly realize you've had far too many minutes strung together to read a message on your cell phone or to Google something on the computer, the silence hits you. When baby is

Char: More Words From Friends

2011-06-16T10:07:00.022-04:00

I am having difficulty typing these words without crying. As it is, the tears are streaming down my face at work. Today I found out that a dear, sweet friend has passed away suddenly. She was far too young, far too kind and far too full of life for this to happen. I have known Char of the Ramblins blog since our days on Myspace in a tight knit group of blogging friends which spanned a good five

Breast Petals and Other Marital Secrets

2011-06-14T11:03:00.004-04:00

I bought this dress to wear to a party with my husband's law partners:And because some of you have two X chromosomes, I know you need to see the back:Because the party was in the nebulous realm of "engagement party at a private residence," I was confused about the dress code. I should wear a dress, but not too dressy of a dress. I don't work with these people, so I don't need to them to respect

Yet Another Reason to Dislike Clogs

2011-06-11T09:18:00.015-04:00

Here's a snapshot from my personal email folder:Look, I don't know how the Clogs got my email address. Maybe they found it here on Blogger. I'm pretty sure I can block them though. But as an opportunity for us all to learn something from my upsetting experience, let's keep this in mind:Stalking: To harass or persecute someone with obsessive, unwanted attention. Cyberstalking: Repeatedly sending

Win-You-Back Pants

2011-06-10T13:36:00.005-04:00

I’m wearing the rock-star-tight Chip + Pepper capri jeans I wore four years ago to seduce my then-boyfriend back into my romantic lady lair after a short break up. By “romantic lady lair” I mean "pants." And by “pants” I mean "heart." And by “heart” I mean “sacred vow of holy matrimony.” And by all that I mean, “give me your man seed so I can have a precious girl baby.” Okay, I don’t mean any of

Passive Aggressive Love Letter to My Thyroid

2011-06-09T12:35:00.006-04:00

Dear Thyroid,You make my heart skip a beat.Mandy

Fun With Religious-Figure Accessories!

2011-06-02T12:55:00.006-04:00

Read my post at Buddha Mama Sans Drama to learn how to decorate your home and closet with Jesus and the Buddha!

Communicating With Babies

2011-05-19T17:00:00.006-04:00

Communicating with a one year old can be a frustrating experience.See, you communicate with a baby in plain English, and the baby stares back at you as though you've lost your mind. If you repeat what you've said enough times, a baby may grunt or blather some nonsense back at you, but you won't understand a word of it. And I'm beginning to suspect that the baby has no idea what she's saying

How Do You Know It's Time for a Haircut?

2011-05-13T15:31:00.007-04:00

How do you know it's time for a haircut?Sometimes the answer to that question can be tricky. You don't want to go too soon, because you might miss the apex of your hair style, which unfortunately occurs immediately before it hits the nadir. Thus, timing is tricky with hair.I find a simple formula helps me to know when it's time to go to the hairdresser: The more I start to resemble David

Cracky Is My Tim Gunn

2011-05-11T16:38:00.000-04:00

With the onset of warmer weather comes the greater selection of footwear.During the winter months, I favor the black equestrian or motorcycle boot as my preferred mode of transportation. With a pair of skinny jeans, it's an easy uniform that won't break my neck on the ice.But when the darling buds of May begin to shoot out of the tender branches here in the northern states, we can't wait to

I Think My Smartphone Is Making Me Stupid

2011-05-05T11:51:00.003-04:00

I'm beginning to suspect I suck at multi-tasking.Read my new blog post at Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

More Monkeys, Please

2011-04-26T10:52:00.004-04:00

I never get tired of monkeys. Well, unless they live in my head.Read my latest post at Buddha Mama Sans Drama.

Oh, Shut Up Already!

2011-04-14T10:33:00.004-04:00

New post on my Buddha Mama Sans Drama blog:"On Learning to Keep My Mouth Shut."

The Tale of the Facial Tic

2011-04-11T14:29:00.003-04:00

Over the first couple of weeks with my braces, I developed a facial tic. I'd kind of grimace on the left side of my face and bare my teeth like a wild animal with Bell's Palsy. I'd do this repeatedly. It looked something like this:Although I was aware I was doing it, I was unaware of what it must look like to the outside world. I was mainly preoccupied with getting the side of my mouth off of a

Bodhicitta on Buddha Mama Sans Drama

2011-04-01T21:56:00.003-04:00

Here's a post I wrote on my Buddha-centric blog, Buddha Mama Sans Drama.Click here to read: Bodhicitta.

My High-Tech Mouth and Sean Connery

2011-04-01T14:34:00.005-04:00

How am I adjusting to wearing braces? It's uncomfortable, yes. I often grimace just to get my lips off my teeth. It's quite possibly driving my husband nuts. Every time he turns around, I'm doing this:I am also tired of eating soup and yogurt. But when I eat food that requires chewing, I can feel remnants of food clinging to the back of my teeth. Yuck. I've calculated that I have brushed my teeth

Now I Know Why Teenagers Are So Irritable

2011-03-25T15:56:00.008-04:00

My teeth hurt so much I don't even feel like writing about it. I just hope my face doesn't wind up on some orthodontia porn site.

Karma Butt

2011-03-20T09:10:00.002-04:00

New post at my Buddha Mama blog. Read it here: Karma Butt.

On Not Saying Goodbye

2011-03-18T13:57:00.000-04:00

It could all be gone in a heartbeat. From the moment you step out from the curb, to the moment your child walks out the door, everything you love could disappear. I could write right now that I could die the moment I leave work today and then it could actually happen. These could be the last words you see from me. This could be my goodbye.(Goodbye! You've all been lovely!)Every fight you have

The Labyrinth of Worry

2011-03-16T10:18:00.001-04:00

I recently re-discovered the game of Labyrinth on my husband's iPad®. I'd forgotten what an adrenaline rush the game provides. And I'd forgotten how good I am at the game.The game requires nerves of steel, to match the tiny steel ball that maneuvers around the various holes and turns of the wooden board's surface. The purpose of the game is to roll the ball through the maze without letting it

Sexual Meditation

2011-03-08T12:10:00.002-05:00

That title there is a total lie. This post is not going to be about sex. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm not sorry at all. Wait. Maybe a little bit. Perhaps I'll throw in a little sex to make up for it? It'll be like we're married.My husband and I are taking a meditation workshop together. I know exactly what you're thinking: I have the most awesome husband, ever. True. I know what else you're thinking:

Chewing Is Overrated

2011-03-04T09:41:00.001-05:00

People often ask me, "Mandy, how do you stay so slim and beautiful?"Okay, people don't actually ask me that at all. But I couldn't resist making such an offensive opening statement.In other fits of honesty, I must tell you, cosmetic dentistry is not for the faint of heart. There is a debt that must be paid to the Gods of Vanity and that debt is paid in pain. Oh, and dollars. Almost forgot that

Runs with Chainsaws

2011-02-22T11:13:00.006-05:00

Saturday I was enjoying a bit of peace and quiet when I noticed that things were too quiet. I did a mental checklist.Husband? Check. At the YMCA. Baby daughter? Check. Snoozing in bed. Seven-year-old son? Che…. I could hear him. He was in the next room. He was in the next room sitting at the communal desk clacking away at the family computer. He was being quiet. But so quiet. I got

My Dental Makeover: Step 1

2011-02-16T17:09:00.000-05:00

I had a mouthful of metal.Until this morning, that is. As a child I had every one of my molars pumped full of metal. The tops of the molars were coated in silver, the sides of my molars were dotted with metal. If I laughed heartily (and I usually do) you'd get an eyeful of the dark gray landscape that was my mouth. I think every possible surface had been pillaged and draped in silver. Personally

Studio 30 Plus Magazine

2011-02-15T13:06:00.004-05:00

Today I'm guest blogging for Studio 30 Plus Magazine.Click here to read.

Truth in Advertising

2011-02-03T10:58:00.003-05:00

I found a journal entry that my son wrote upon the eve of his seventh birthday:"I can't wate for my party at Chuk E. Chese where a kid can be a kid."He is one to spout advertising taglines regularly. For a while when those Cymbalta commercials were running, he would ask me, "Mama, are you sad? Cymbalta can help." And then he'd make these big, concerned moon eyes at me.It was disturbing. But also

Bikini Do's and Don't's

2011-01-27T10:36:00.003-05:00

Do not try on bathing suits in store dressing rooms.Don't learn your lesson the hard (florescent) way, as I did. What you should do is try them on at home, where the light is soft and forgiving like the man who has secretly loved you for years but has erectile dysfunction. This is the valuable life lesson I learned just this week. I know it may seem like I should have figured it out long ago, but

Adult Braytheth

2011-01-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I had my first appointment with an orthodontist. Have I mentioned that I'm 39 years old?I sat in a waiting room with a bunch of mouth-breathing 13-year-olds and wondered if this was my future. Would I be a mouth-breather? Would I curl my lips away from my teeth in what was either a hormonal sneer or a tender-lipped evasive maneuver?Oh lord.I'm 39 years old and I'm about to wear braces for the

Mandy's Law of Little Black Dresses and Big Bad Bikinis

2011-01-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

I had a completely self-esteem redeeming evening with a little black dress on Friday night. I rode the wave of self-confidence and Mystic Tan® to the Nordstrom dressing room on Martin Luther King day because I had a dream. A dream of looking good in a bikini. A dream of buying my first new bathing suit in seven years. Seven years ago I was a skinny rail of a woman, a leftover bag of bones after

Oh, You Hilarious Salad, You!

2011-01-07T10:59:00.002-05:00

I'm on a diet, so when I saw this post about how many stock photos there are of women laughing with salads, I thought it was the most hysterical thing I'd ever seen.Hahahaha!Oh Salad! You minxy little roughage, you! How you amuse and delight me. In fact, I love you so much you bring out the wild animal in me. The one that is foraging in the woods for food:Nom. Nom. Nom.In fact, eating salad has

Whose House Is This, Anyway?

2010-12-26T10:58:00.002-05:00

We took my son to a Protestant church for Christmas Eve mass. I'm a Buddhist and my son's father is a Catholic, so Cracky had never set foot in an Episcopalian church. I felt the need to explain to him that it might be different than the church he attends with his father.Once we sat down beneath the cathedral ceiling and the beautiful stained glass windows, looking every bit the Catholic church

Brace Face

2010-12-23T11:54:00.005-05:00

I am not a good candidate for Invisalign® braces.Unfortunately, braces are no longer a matter of cosmetics, but a matter of health. So that means that I am going to have to look like a thirteen-year-old for the next eighteen months or so.Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to get my teeth fixed. I'm just trying to get my head around the fact that I'm going to be wearing metal

First Appointment With the New Dentist

2010-12-10T09:18:00.001-05:00

I had my first appointment with the new dentist.Though I had convinced myself that my phobia of dentists was all in my head, right before I left I came down with a sudden illness. I broke out in a cold sweat. I felt shaky and thought I might vomit.I went ahead with the appointment, just in case I really was crazy and not infected with a purely coincidental case of malaria. On my way to there, I

My Love of Window Cleaner

2010-12-09T13:12:00.008-05:00

Note the background a few weeks ago.And note the background thirty years ago.My love is real.

All I Want For Buddhakamas* Is My Two Front Teeth

2010-12-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

When I was ten years old I ran into a wood chair and knocked out my front tooth.I also cracked the other front tooth, but it didn't fall out or fall apart. The trauma of the impact also killed two of my teeth. As you can imagine, this one childhood accident has resulted in a lot of time in a dentist's chair. There have been lots of surgeries and procedures, and not enough Novocaine.And now I'm

Yoga Is Not Buddhist. But Both Are Evil.

2010-12-03T15:37:00.000-05:00

What is it with this whole "Yoga is the exercise of the devil" business?Are you even aware of this? Apparently amongst certain Christians yoga is a no-no and is a decidedly unchristian and "evil" activity in which to participate. Now before you start thinking I have some dog in this fight, let me point out that I do not do yoga.Let me also point out that though I am Buddhist, I do not do yoga.

My Experience With Levi's Curve ID

2010-11-19T09:03:00.004-05:00

I've never thought of myself as a curvy woman.I have curves, yes. But according to Levi's Curve ID, I'm a boldly curvaceous woman. Which is fine. I have been doing a lot of squats and lunges at the gym, so it's nice to know that I've got something to show for it. Just call me Beyonce. J.Lo, step aside, por favor.You can take the Curve ID quiz at levis.com for yourself. You'll be identified as

Love Is Bella

2010-10-30T11:19:00.007-04:00

"Mom, can I have two girlfriends?""No.""I can't?""No.""But what if I want to have two girlfriends?""Then you'll hurt their feelings."That stopped my six-year-old Lothario short. I looked at him in the rear view mirror while he pondered what I'd just said."Well then I'll just have Bella as my girlfriend," he said."Does Kate know?""Does she have to?" he asked, looking pained."Yes! You have to end

Screw You, Squirrel.

2010-10-29T10:51:00.005-04:00

I've Been Pulling My Pants Down A Lot Lately

2010-10-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

I went to see the doctor for a swollen eyebrow and ended up with my pants down.How does that happen?Sometime last weekend my eyebrow started swelling up. Each day I figured the swelling would subside, but instead it got worse. By Wednesday morning when I looked in the mirror, my eyelid was swollen too. "Have a good day at work, Squinty!" My husband said."Quit staring at my eyebrow." We'd been